I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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