if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
