swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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