So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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