When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
