Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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