i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
