Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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