Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
