sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
