I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
