I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
