he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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