Are we in a gay sports bar?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
