i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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