My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
