i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
