my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
