You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
