I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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