The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
