My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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