Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize