ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize