rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
