Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
two words...techno handjob
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
