i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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