so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize