Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
