For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the liver wants what the liver wants
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
