Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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