guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
