Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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