where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
zippers are such a cool invention
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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