fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
