this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
