it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
