Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
