I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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