So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
