Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
