I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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