my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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