It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
