Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
