Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
