So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
FUCK WHALES
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
