hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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