I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
