Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
