I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
