My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
