I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
