mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
