So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize