I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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