I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
