I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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